the Way through

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. ¹⁷ Be on your guard; you will be handed over to the local councils and be flogged in the synagogues. ¹⁸ On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. ¹⁹ But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, ²⁰ for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

²¹ “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. ²² You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. ²³ When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another. Truly I tell you, you will not finish going through the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes." Matthew 10:16-23

Okay, just that first part of His charge to His sheep - "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves." What sheep keeps walking once he sees the field he's entering is not one with a bunch of other sheep but a field filled, scattered, and reeking of a pack of wolves? I'm thinking that sheep would give those wolves recently spotted a good view of his backside as he flees.

Am I allowed to be scared of suffering? Suffering for the sake of Christ, physical suffering, suffering through heart pain, suffering through an upheaval of daily routine and living, suffering the loss of a husband or child...

I don't know if God allows me to be scared of it, but I told Him tonight that I am. The unknown, all that sheep would encounter as he continues his path into the pack of pacing wolves, leaves me wondering a lot of things. Mostly, I'm wondering what God has in store for me, for my family.

It also has me wondering if I know undoubtedly His saving and faithful love for me. Do I believe it? Really, do I?

I know my husband loves me. I mark it by the heart he wears on his sleeve for me, the life he lives, the God he loves and follows. My husband makes it pretty easy to follow him, to love him, to trust him, and I do. When he makes a decision or sets a course for us, I know it was done with utmost care, prayer, and love.

So, I'm just wondering why my heart struggles so unashamedly lately with following God into suffering, into the pack of wolves. Do I know He loves me? Amazing; yes. Do I really believe it? Really? Yes; attributed to His grace alone, I think. Then, I expect my response to be a willing heart to follow this saving, loving, faithful, trustworthy God, Savior, King, Creator, Friend, into the very hollow and unknown face of a wolf, of suffering in this life.

Let it be, Lord. I know You're not just the One I go to during suffering; You, Lord, are my way through. oh, let it be so.

I've been thinking about that frightful night on the Sea of Galilee during the storm; those disciples responded how my heart feels right now in the potential eye of any storm...."ACCKKK! Jesus! Where are You?! Help me! Get up!" Then, I realized that He is where I need to already be...there, at His feet, sleeping in His peace, communing with Him in prayer; yes, clinging to Him. I know that wind, those mean pelting drops of liquid from the sky, that darkness menacing all about me, the cold, the shadows.....still, dry, lighten, warm, and flee in His presence. That's enough for me. Then, give me Jesus. All of Him. I want Him. Even if His presence means barreling head-on into those fears. I want Him more.

But, I'm scared. Please, God, squelch my fears...

"...but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." Matthew 10:22